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St Patrick's Day Jokes and One Liners

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laughing leprechaun

cloverQ: Why does it take four Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb.  Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.

cloverQ: Why did the man cross the road?
A: Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold.

cloverQ: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A: To keep from falling in the stew!

cloverQ: What’s little and green and stuck to your bumper?
A: A leprechaun who didn’t look both ways.

cloverQ: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they’re great at shorthand!

cloverQ: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!

cloverQ: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!

cloverQ: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!

cloverQ: What is black and blue and found floating dead in the Irish sea?
A: Someone who’s tells a stupid Irish joke

cloverQ: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

cloverQ: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: Because he could not afford plane fare.

Irish toast: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.

cloverQ: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant

cloverQ: Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Because they’re always wearing green

cloverQ: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A: A Leper Con

cloverQ: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is going barefoot!

cloverQ: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A: A sham rock

cloverQ: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A. When it’s a French fry!

cloverQ: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.

cloverQ: What is Barney’s favorite thing on St. Patrick’s day?
A: A Barney Stone!

cloverQ: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock

cloverQ: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!

cloverQ: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Because real rocks are too heavy.

cloverQ: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
A: St. O’Claus.

cloverQ. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A. Because it was too far for them to crawl!

cloverQ. What do you get when you cross poison Ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck!

cloverQ. Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
A. you never want to press your luck!

cloverQ. What’s Irish and stays out all night?
A. Patty O’Furniture!

cloverQ. How did the Irish Jig get started?
A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

cloverQ. What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?
A. A jig mistake!

cloverQ. Why do so many people live in Ireland?
A. Because the capital is always Dublin!

cloverQ. Where can gold always be found?
A. In the dictionary!

cloverQ. What kind of bow can’t be tied?
A. A rainbow.

cloverQ. What does Ireland have more than any other country?
A. Irish people!

cloverQ. What’s big and purple and lies next to Ireland?
A. Grape Britain!

cloverQ. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.

cloverQ. Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
A. “Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”

cloverQ. Definition of an Irish husband?
A. A man who hasn’t kissed his wife in twenty years, but he’ll kill the man who does.

cloverQ: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A: A bachelor.

cloverQ What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.

cloverQ. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A. A Murder Suspect.

cloverFinnegans wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.

cloverQ. What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
A. They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.

cloverPaddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist. “There he was. All dressed up and no place to go.”

cloverAn IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says “I don’t think you can get in here. The IRA man says “Who wants in? You’ve twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!

clover“Twas the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots have’n’t gotten the joke yet!!”

cloverPeople have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are walking on Eire.

cloverIt was your typical St. Patrick’s Day party. The party broke up at about 11:00—the furniture at about 10:00.

cloverPaddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
‘What’s wrong with the nails?’ he asked.
‘Sure the heads are at the wrong end.’
‘You are stupid you idiot, can’t you see they are for the other side of the house!

cloverAn Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

clover‘Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?’ asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. 
’Do we now?’ came New York Mayor Al Smith’s reply.

clover“Ah, good morning, Mrs. Murphy, and how is everything?” “Sure and I’m having a great time of it between my husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out.”

cloverKnock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Written by admin

March 15th, 2010 at 11:57 pm