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Back to School Wisdom

1) What’s the most important thing for a student to bring with them on their first day of school?

I’d have to say clothing.  Turns out most schools really frown on nudity.  Prudes.

2) What’s the one new back to school thing that teachers should have?

If they’re teachers in California, they should definitely have a new job lined up.

3) How does a student know if they’ve got a good or bad teacher?

I think it all boils down to if they take a personal interest in you as a student.  For instance if a teacher takes a personal interest in you to find      ways to motivate you and makes you learn more, then that’s a good teacher.  If they take a personal interest in you to find ways to have sex with you, then that’s a bad teacher.  A bad, naughty, dirty little teacher with a buttoned up blouse and those sexy little Tina Fey glasses… I’m sorry, what was the question?

4) What’s the longest part of the day?

That last five minutes before school let’s out.  If I was only given 5 minutes to live and pick those five minutes because they’d feel like a month.

5) What’s the best thing to do if you’re called to the principal’s office?

Burst into tears and then wet your pants.  You’d be amazed at the things it’ll get you out of – detention, traffic tickets, jury duty, marriage, living a life filled with dignity, etc.

6) What does back to school mean to an adult?

It means we all get to secretly point and laugh at kids while saying, “Ha ha! Now you have to do it!”

7) Why should kids stay in school?

So I know where they are and can avoid them.

What’s the worst thing you ever did in the school cafeteria?

Eat the roast beef sandwich. I had no idea “meat” could be that rubbery.  It was a lot like Silly Putty only not as flavorful.

9) What’s the worst thing you ever did in the school bathroom?

I pierced my ear with a safety pin I found on the floor of the bathroom.   To this day I am amazed that I still have both ears.

10) When you day-dreamed in school, where did you go?

I use to day-dream that I’d be an adult in my mid 30’s with a bad back who was always broke and struggling to have anything resembling a career in the entertainment business.  Mission accomplished!

10 Answers to Healthcare

1 What’s the one thing you think insurance companies should never cover?

Their own asses.

2 What’s the one thing a doctor should never charge for?

A doctor not charging for something?  That’s funny.

3 What’s your favorite medical instrument?

The Bone Saw because it’s bad-ass looking and would make an awesome band name.

4 If you were in charge of healthcare, what plastic surgery procedure would
you like to make illegal?

Boob jobs – they are a lie!  A surgical lie!!!!!!

5 What’s the most unhealthy thing you do?

Live in Los Angeles.

6 What’s your best home healthcare remedy?

Did you know you can use Krazy Glue to seal cuts?  Now you do.

7 Would you rather be rich or healthy and why?

I’d rather be rich because they can afford to be healthy.  Good luck trying to stay in shape, eat right and live an active lifestyle on minimum  wage.

8 What would you be willing to give up or do without in exchange for
healthcare?

Insurance companies.

9 Who was your favorite TV doctor?

Dr. House.  A smart-ass, know-it-all who is constantly taking painkillers… sounds familiar.

10 If you could have any medical procedure free of charge what would it be?

A double lumbar disc replacement at the L4/5 and L3/4 levels.  In other words the exact operation Blue Cross has denied me for 6 years.  Hey Blue Cross if you’re reading this – f#%k you