Archive for the ‘Sue Wolf Posts’ Category
Labor Day Jokes
We Celebrate the American Worker:
Plumber says: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
Tire shop worker says: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
Electrician says: “Let us remove your shorts.”
Optometrist says: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
Taxidermist says: “We really know our stuff.”
Podiatrist says: “Time wounds all heels.”
Pizza Chef says: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
Proctologist says: “To expedite your visit please back in.”
Gynecologist says: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
Funeral Director says: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait..”
OTHER JOKES:
American cousin: How do you say ‘Labor Day’ in Russian?
Russian cousin: Another freezing and snowy day.
Did you hear the one about Labor Day?
It works for me!
If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
TIDBITS OF INFO ABOUT LABOR DAY (NO JOKE)
Sept. 5, 1882 10,000 workers had 1st Labor Day parade in NYC.
Oregon was the 1st state to grant Labor Day a legal holiday in 1887.
President Grover Cleveland approved Labor Day as a holiday after a Pullman strike in Chicago.
The first Labor Day was on a Tuesday, designed to break up the long stretch between Independence Day and Thanksgiving.
Peter McGuire, an Irish American Cabinet Maker, proposed Labor Day on 5/18/1882 at a Central Labor Union meeting.
Canada celebrates Labor Day which started in Winnipeg in 1894.
Labor Day was fought for by Union leaders and received rights to organize and negotiate in 1935 (Labor Relations Act).
Labor Day Quotes
The thicker the hay; the easier mowed. – Alaric the Goth
Tools were made, and born were hands,
Every farmer understands. — Blake
Get work:
Be sure it is better than what you work to get. — E.B. Browning
Absence of occupation is not rest.
A mind quite vacant is a mind distress’d. — Cowper
It is better to wear out than rust out. — Richard Cumberland
Work is the meat of life, pleasure the dessert. — B.C. Forbes
The fellow who isn’t fired with enthusiasm is apt to be fired. — B.C. Forbes
The eye of a master will do more work than both his hands. — Franklin
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. — Elbert Hubbard
People who take pains never to do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.
— Elbert Hubbard
Better to work and fail than to sleep one’s life away. — Jerome K. Jerome
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. — Lincoln
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work. — J.G. Pollard
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes; work never begun. — Christina Rossetti
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. — Ambrose Bierce
Industry cannot flourish if labor languish. — Calvin Coolidge
Labor disgraces no man; unfortunately you occasionally find men disgrace labor. — Ulysses S. Grant
PLEASE DRIVE SAFELY.
Jewish Buddha Sayings
May this wisdom help you find your best work life! (courtesy of Ruta Lee’s e mail and courtesy of ‘Zen Judiasm‘ by David M. Bader!)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
Earth Day Jokes!
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
An eco conscious caller who refuses to use your doorbell and waste power.
Tom Cruise is about to sign up to a new, high-tech, eco thriller: Mission Compostable.
Why are Eco warriors bad at poker?
They like to avoid the flush.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
Because she had an exemplary regimen of recycling.
Hear about the eco Grand Prix driver who lost? He had to stop the car to plant 150 trees after every lap.
Never lend an eco-geologist money. They consider a million years ago to be recent.
Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
- Mark Twain
What are you going to do for EarthDay? I’m going to recycle all my old jokes!
Easter Jokes and One Liners
How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur looking good?
With hare spray!
What did the Easter Bunnies do after their wedding?
Went on their bunnymoon!
What do you call a dumb Easter Bunny?
A hare brain!
Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?
He was having a bad hare day!
Why can’t the Easter Bunny’s nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
Why is the Easter Bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
Because it has four rabbit’s feet!
Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off.
How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
Hareobics.
What do you call ten 10 Easter Bunnies marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
What did the Easter Bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing ya.
What kinds of books does the Easter Bunny like?
Ones with hoppy endings!
What does the Easter Bunny use when it goes swimming?
A hare-net.
What do you call an Easter Bunny with a dictionary in it’s pants?
A smarty pants.
Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
Because he is eggocentric.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggercise.
How does the Easter Bunny send letters?
Via Hare Mail.
Why did the Easter egg hide?
He was a little chicken!
What is the difference between a crazy Easter Bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
He’d just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What’s the difference between the Easter Bunny and a lumberjack?
One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.
What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day’s work?
Tired.
What did the baby Easter Bunny want to do when he grew up?
Join the Hare Force.
What do you call an Easter Bunny with fleas?
Bugs Bunny.
How can you tell which are the oldest Easter Bunnies in a group?
Just look for the grey hares.
“Why are you studying your Easter candy?”
“I’m trying to decide which came first-the chocolate chicken or the chocolate egg!”
What do you call an Easter Duck that just doesn’t fit in?
Mallardjusted.
What type of movie is about the Easeter Duck?
A duckumentary.
What do you call an Easter egg from outer space?
An “Egg-stra terrestial”.
What do you call a sleeping Easter egg?
Egg-zosted!
What did the Easter eggs do when the light turned green?
They egg-cellerated.
What search engine do Easter eggs use on the Internet?
Egg-site!
link experiment
So today I decided to try to do link exchanging by using google.
Let’s see what happens!
http://www.free-website-links.com/
Links to my site
Verizon Fios
Links Directory
Submit a URL
Submit a Site
SonicRun.com
freewebsubmission
Add Your Web Site To ASR
Here is a link exchange which is a site called plentyofresumes.com. It’s in progress. When it is totally up and running, we will move it to the links page. Until then, we wish them well!
St Patrick's Day Jokes and One Liners
Q: Why does it take four Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
A: One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: Because there was a leprechaun on the other side with a pot of gold.
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A: To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: What’s little and green and stuck to your bumper?
A: A leprechaun who didn’t look both ways.
Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they’re great at shorthand!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!
Q: What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
A: He gets wet!
Q: What is black and blue and found floating dead in the Irish sea?
A: Someone who’s tells a stupid Irish joke
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: Because he could not afford plane fare.
Irish toast: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.
Q: What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A: A Jolly Green Giant
Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Because they’re always wearing green
Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A: A Leper Con
Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is going barefoot!
Q: What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A: A sham rock
Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A. When it’s a French fry!
Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.
Q: What is Barney’s favorite thing on St. Patrick’s day?
A: A Barney Stone!
Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter!
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Because real rocks are too heavy.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
A: St. O’Claus.
Q. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A. Because it was too far for them to crawl!
Q. What do you get when you cross poison Ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A. A rash of good luck!
Q. Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
A. you never want to press your luck!
Q. What’s Irish and stays out all night?
A. Patty O’Furniture!
Q. How did the Irish Jig get started?
A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q. What do you call a clumsy Irish dance?
A. A jig mistake!
Q. Why do so many people live in Ireland?
A. Because the capital is always Dublin!
Q. Where can gold always be found?
A. In the dictionary!
Q. What kind of bow can’t be tied?
A. A rainbow.
Q. What does Ireland have more than any other country?
A. Irish people!
Q. What’s big and purple and lies next to Ireland?
A. Grape Britain!
Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.
Q. Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife,” Hurry up or we’ll be late.”
A. “Oh, be quiet,” replied his wife. “Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?”
Q. Definition of an Irish husband?
A. A man who hasn’t kissed his wife in twenty years, but he’ll kill the man who does.
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A: A bachelor.
Q What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It’s the ability to tell a man to go to hell so that he will look forward to making the trip.
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A. A Murder Suspect.
Finnegans wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant. “She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.
Q. What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
A. They both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist. “There he was. All dressed up and no place to go.”
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says “I don’t think you can get in here. The IRA man says “Who wants in? You’ve twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
“Twas the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke. And you Scots have’n't gotten the joke yet!!”
People have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are walking on Eire.
It was your typical St. Patrick’s Day party. The party broke up at about 11:00—the furniture at about 10:00.
Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
‘What’s wrong with the nails?’ he asked.
‘Sure the heads are at the wrong end.’
‘You are stupid you idiot, can’t you see they are for the other side of the house!
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”
The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
‘Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?’ asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
’Do we now?’ came New York Mayor Al Smith’s reply.
“Ah, good morning, Mrs. Murphy, and how is everything?” “Sure and I’m having a great time of it between my husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out.”
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Pi Jokes for National Pi Day
Pi Day is a holiday that celebrates the mathematical constant, Pi (∏). It is celebrated on March 14 because the first three digits of Pi are 3.14
Pi Jokes are traditionally told on Pi Day.
March 11, 2009, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a resolution to make March 14th and Official National Pi Holy-Day.
Odd Fact: Albert Einstein was born on Pi Day in 1879.
Q: What do you get when you cut a jack o’lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi
Q: What do you get when you take green cheese and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Moon Pi
Q: What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the sky.
Mathematician: Pi r squared”
Baker: No! Pies are round, cakes are square.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE PI JOKES?
Valentine's Day Jokes and Riddles!
Most of you know by now, that on holidays, I tweet a gaggle of silly jokes and riddles. So here goes for Valentines’s Day!
Have a smoochy, lovey, happy, smiley and fun Valentine’s day. Whatever you do. Whoever you do it with! If you’re alone … LOVE LOVE LOVE yourself a lot today, ‘k?
What’d the boy lite bulb say to the girl lite bulb on Valentine’s day?
“I wuv you watts and watts.”
What’d the boy octopus say to the girl octopus on Valentine’s day?
“I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.”
Who do birds spend Valentine’s day with?
Their tweet hearts!
What do you call a small Valentine?
A Valentiny.
What’d the farmer give his wife on Valentine’s day?
Hogs and kisses!
What’d the snake give his wife on Valentine’s day?
Hugs and hisses!
What’d did the caveman give his wife on Valentine’s day?
Ughs and kisses!
What’d the french chef give his wife on Valentine’s day?
A hug and a quiche.
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s day?
“Be my Valenstein.”
Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s day?
Absolutely. They’re very scent-imental!
What’d Mr. Pickle say to Mrs. Pickle on Valentine’s day?
“You mean a great dill to me.”
What’d Mr. Squirrel say to Mrs. Squirrel on Valentine’s day?
“I’m nuts about you!”
What do Squirrel’s give each other on Valentine’s Day?
Forget-me-nuts.
What’d Mr. Whale say to Mrs. Whale on Valentine’s day?
“Whale you be mine?”
What’d Mr. Elephant say to Mrs. Elephant on Valentine’s day?
“I love you tons.”
What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s day?
“Stick with me and we’ll go places.”
What’d the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
“I’m stuck on you!”
What’s a ram’s favorite Valentine’s song?
“I only have eyes for ewe.”
What’d the artist say to her boyfriend?
“I love you with all my art.”
What’d Mr. Bat say to Mrs. Bat on Valentine’s day?
“I love hanging around with you!”
What’d Mr. Bear say to Mrs. Bear on Valentine’s day?
“I love you beary much.”
If everyone in the country drove a pink car on Valentine’s day we’d be a pink car-nation!
knock knock.
who’s there.
olive.
olive who?
olive you.
new year quotes, resolutions and funnies
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.” – Oscar Wilde
“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.” – Mark Twain
“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” Bill Vaughan
“Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.” (he meant person) -Benjamin Franklin
“New Year’s Day – Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” – Mark Twain
“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” James Agate
“A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.”
Definition of a hangover:
Wrath of Grapes.