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1) What’s the most important thing for a student to bring with them on their first day of school?

After hearing MANY young people tell me they’re bi-polar. (It must be the “in” thing now-a-days) I’d have to say they’d better bring all of their personalities to school, so they’re all equally educated. After all, we need to stay in compliance with the “No Child Left Behind Act”, right?

2) What’s the one new back to school thing that teachers should have?

Body armor. Just in case the bi-polar students bring all of their personalities and one of them decide to have a bad day.

3) How does a student know if they’ve got a good or bad teacher?

The good teacher is the one who doesn’t have students stuffed into duffel bags and shoved into a closet. The bad teacher is the one who stuffed students into duffel bags, but forgot to gag them first.

4) What’s the longest part of the day?

The part where you decide you gotta use the restroom and find every stall is occupied.

5) What’s the best thing to do if you’re called to the principal’s office?

Hide the evidence and keep your scarier personality locked away.

6) What does “back to school” mean to an adult?

Vacation!

7) Why should kids stay in school?

When you make a mistake and have a diploma, it’s a learning opportunity. When you make a mistake and are a school drop out, it’s because you failed to learn.

What’s the worst thing you ever did in the school cafeteria?

Stuffed the slop they called “food” into my milk carton, so I would be allowed to go outside and play. However, I think it might have saved my life on more than one occasion… ack!

9) What’s the worst thing you ever did in the school bathroom?

No! That wasn’t cigarette smoke coming out from over that stall! I ate in the school cafeteria and it lit my hind end afire!

10) When you day-dreamed in school, where did you go?

Anywhere, except for inside the classroom… That is, until the teacher called out my name… Wha? Huh?… President Kennedy was a famous astronaut, because he was going to the moon, I guess… Ummm… Uhhh… What was the question?

Life in Maine can be hard and I mean very hard. Jobs are scarce. The winters make it even more difficult with the price of fuel on the rise, which brings up the price of everything else. It’s a wonder I’m not charged for each breath I take. I’m waiting for that one. I can just imagine how they’d manage measuring our breaths. I imagine everyone walking around with a band around their chest to count each inhale and exhale. Placing a limit on the maximum breaths one can take in an hour’s time. Sorry fella, ya gotta hold your breath for the next then minutes, because you just went over quota or the poor woman in labor…. Husband coaching his wife, “Don’t breathe, dear! Don’t breathe!”

Yeah, that would make for an interesting scene for sure. Of course, we know it’ll never happen. Instead, they’ll charge us for each step we take. After all, we pay by the gallon for our gas, which is kind of of like paying for every mile of our gas consumption. We would see folks taking these huge, broad steps to go from one place to the next. The gymnasts would be considered the hybrid walkers, since they can do a full split with each step.

Of course, that would be ridiculous, would it not? Of course, the government is always looking for a way to cut costs. I have a suggestion for them. How about charging tax for every lick of an ice cream or for every puff of a cigarette. That should make enough revenue for them to waste somewhere else, right? The unemployed will save money for sure, since they couldn’t afford to pay for their vices. Oh, but I must digress. After all, our government has been working very hard for a very long time to fool the American public. I must hand it to them! Not even Houdini could make a dollar disappear like the folks in DC!

Maybe we should take our government’s example in creating a business of our own? Let’s say we open a restaurant and we have folks vote on what everyone should be served. Then we take it to a panel of folks who’ve been chosen by the people to decide if the people voted correctly. If they agree, then the meal will be served. However, if they disagree, then there will be no meal and the process starts all over again.

Talk about an iron clad diet plan! There’d be no more plump behinds walking the streets for sure! The patron’s unemployment checks would stretch forever on that kind of plan! Sorry folks! No eating out today! Congress disagreed with everyone’s choice of the cheeseburger so the bill was vetoed!

Of course, folks, we cannot operate as our government does. Especially if we wish to experience some progress. So we trudge along in our day to day lives, hunting for that one job that nobody else wants or one whereby you can prove yourself better than the other candidates who’ve applied. In the process, you can be glad that you don’t have to wear a chest band to count your breaths or become broad a stepper trying to minimize the cost of walking. Just be careful not to step on the crack, so you don’t break our mother’s back. Whoops! Penalty! Time to pay up!

1) What’s the one thing you think insurance companies should never cover?

Lyposuction…. If insurance covered that procedure, the suction coming from California would be of such immense proportions that it would reverse the jet stream and bring an end to all of mankind.

2) What’s the one thing a doctor should never charge for?

The pain. If you visit the doctor and the treatment hurts, then why pay? I mean, after all, if you go to a restaurant and they spill hot coffee all over your crotch, they don’t hand you the bill. I mean, what’s up with that? I say, “Ouch!” and they hurt me further by handing me a bill telling me how much it cost to put me in pain!

3) What’s your favorite medical instrument?

The reflex hammer. If the doctor hurts me, I can return the favor! Oops! Sorry doc! I was playing with your hammer and it slipped right out of my hand! I hope you weren’t planning on having any more kids, were you?

4) If you were in charge of healthcare, what plastic surgery procedure would you like to make illegal?

Lip enlargements. We have enough women walking around looking like they got their lips caught in a vacuum cleaner hose. Now that I’ve said that, I can almost imagine some dumb blonde walking up to her upright vacuum after reading this.

5) What’s the most unhealthy thing you do?

Walking on a treadmill. I know! I know! Walking’s supposed to be healthy. However, I find nothing healthy about being launched from a treadmill I was walking on. Really! Have you ever been on one of those suckers, listening to some awesome tunes and got caught up in the moment, forgetting where you were? Ah! Yeah! Bingo! Houston, we have cleared the treadmill!

6) What’s your best home healthcare remedy?

Chocolate… Lots and lots of chocolate. Ok, so it’s fattening, but have you ever denied an obese, PMS laden woman a bar of chocolate? Yeah! THAT’S unhealthy… and dangerous!

7) Would you rather be rich or healthy and why?

I’d want to be rich. That way I can afford to run my own amusement park for fat people. I’d call it “Super Size My Ride!” We need it! Have you seen the current traveling carnivals? They have rides that were built in the 70s and 80s. That’s PRIOR to the obesity epidemic, people! I mean, these fat butts, stuffed with chili dogs, cotton candy & dough boys are flying overhead squeezed into tiny seats hanging from thin chains or sitting aboard these Ferris Wheels, once again squeezed in the tiny seats, as they hang above you! Talk about unhealthy and dangerous… Yeah!

What would you be willing to give up or do without in exchange for healthcare?

My job…. Why? Healthcare means staying healthy, right? The government wouldn’t want me to starve, so they’d have to feed me & provide free medical coverage. I wouldn’t be allowed to go about naked, so the charities would clothe me. I wouldn’t be allowed to be without shelter in harsh weather, so the charities would place a roof over my head. Hey! Wait a minute! Folks are doing this already! Next question please!

9) Who was your favorite TV doctor?

Do you have to ask? Dr. Doug Ross (George Clooney) I’d be finding reasons to be sick! Right ladies?! ;o)

10) If you could have any medical procedure free of charge what would it be?

Get-that-bill-collector-off-my-butt-ectomy! Is there such a procedure?

We Love Mary. She’s an energetic, unique voice that we found on Twitter. She’s a Maine-centric female version of Dave Barry and Garrison Keillor but with a twist. As a budding comic, we get to see her rise to fame right here on iGet2Work. Enjoy!

iGet2Laugh introduces Mary Taylor Bunker. Mary brings a unique voice to Maine humor. She’s an up-and-comer, arriving on the scene with a fresh, outside-of-the-box humor you can only find in the iGet2 brand, and on her websites. Mary is the author of the comedy series blog, “Dateline – Maine!” as well as the host of her own Twitter comedy show, “Pro-Am Comedy LIVE!” She was the first one to initiate a live comedy show on Twitter and we applaud her creativity. You can follow Mary on Twitter: @MamaBeeComedy and @MamaBee4.Visit Mary Taylor Bunker’s Websites:

http://www.MamaBeeComedy.com

http://themamabee.blogspot.com/